Dear Daddy

What is it with brides who wanna have a special dance with their father then decide on Dance with my father by Luther Vandross&%$#@*&^%
are they hoping their father will die soon?????
its a sad song isnt it
or is that just MY opinion?????


Abeg ooo
if ANY motherfucker should play it when i get up to dance with
Dear Daddy on my day
I will show him my karate skills
the annoying thing is these na people who probably had wedding planners
the wedding planner(s) should be shot dead




My boobs hurt more like they are sore
hehehehehehehehhehehehehehhe
that is me laughing cos i am looking forward to the comments
i am gonna get with this info i just dropped
*wink*
especially when i got jolted during my bike ride this morning
yea..........i am still harrassing those buggers
**wink*

Tagged

…here are the rules:

…1. …link the person who tagged you…
…2. …mention the rules in your blog…
…3. …tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours…
…4. …tag 6 following bloggers by linking them…
…5. …leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged…



here goes.........

Once i get settled in a moving vehicle(car/bus/taxi/plane)even if its a 5 min drive
i nod off.........but i wake up everytyme the vehicle jerks
if its not my stop i go back to sleep zone

i am VERY indecisive-and i hardly act on advice given-
but i am able to stick by decisions taken
cos it always takes me forever to decide

i hate to be idle it makes me prone
to picking my face(blackheads&zits)
or tampering with my nails

i dont like change-once i like something
i stay loyal to it
getting something different takes a lot of effort
this applies to everything in my life

i am hardly shocked/disappointed by people's actions
but i believe FIRMLY in doing to others as you wish them to do to you
i do to you as you do to me

i am hardly ever sorry-i use the word sparsely
maybe once in three years

i hereby tag
freaksho...smaragd...afrobabe....fantasy queen...unwritten...plastiq

Soundtracks

A soundtrack in my vocab is the kinda sound(s) you make when you are boffing
While i dont go listening at people's doors when they are busy at it
it just happens that sometimes you hear people when they go at it
maybe they have paper thin walls
they may be loud
or their window is open(thanks to PHCN)

we had this couple in Uni
they insipired the term soundtrack
we had connecting doors in the house i stayed in
my uni was non residential so u got to live where ever you could
get a good price close enuff to school

she was in the 4th year
he in the 1st year
i was in the 2nd yr then

i know how in the heat of the moment
people loose all inhibitions
and............

we have the moaners(ahh ohh uhm)
the screamers
those who insult others(you are....)
those who need to clean up(shit shit)
those who pray(Jesus,Jesus)
those who need their mum(mummmmmmmyyyyy)
those who concur(yes yes)
those who race(faster faster)
those who prefer results(harder harder)
those who like to dig(deeper deeper)
those who remind you (fuck me fuck me)

i have heard my share of soundtracks and made mine
sometimes after a good boffing
i remember some of the things i said
and i blush to my roots

while i have no qualms with people and their soundtracks

i crack up EVERY tyme i remember the above name couple
one night they go

her-o dun mi amo o dun mo mi(i'm in pain but i like it)
o dun mi amo odun mo mi(i am in pain but i like it)
ma yo ma yo(dont take it out dont take it out)

another day she goes
wa dagba wa mo iwe e(you will grow old you will be knowledgeable)
o ku itoju mi(thanks for taking care of me)

guy says - ko tope(its my pleasure)


what kinda convo is that in the heat of the moment?
and in yoruba language

whatever happened to moaning,screaming,panting or cursing
*&%$#@*#


Update on my fix
it was exactly what i needed
i sang from both ends of me
i lost count of how many tymes i climaxed
i have grammy(s) on my bedside table from all the songs i sang

and thats all i am gonna say

*wink*

perhaps i should emulate the couple above and say a prayer for him????

My fix............

J asked if all i write here is the truth?
EVERY SINGLE BLOG is as real as my name is Ibi
my name is Ibi

i was flattered cos he said my life is interesting
i never looked at my life that way
i think a lot of other bloggers lead far more glamorous lives
my life is just mine............

to pals/family that get to read stuff here
its my blog and thats whats its about
getting stuff off my chest/sharing stuff with blogsville
take no offense please


Fuckmate wasnt hitting it the way i wanted
so i let him go....letting him go was easy
he thot i would start getting clingy
(women always do that when they get intimate wit a guy)
so he became busy ....suited me fyne

I have had an 8 month hiatus
lately i have been needing to get a fix
Got talking with ..... and we got talking dirty
We seemed to like the same kinda stuff.......
We agreed to hook up
we agreed he would drop by my place
he couldnt at the last min-he had jet lag(just came in from a trip)
i sure wasnt gonna not get my fix.........
i told him to take a bath(i wasnt insinuating he was dirty)
grab a bite
rest a while..........
and tell the pink muscle i was coming over.........

i have no idea what was going on in his mind or mine for that matter
but i was gonna get my fix..........

got a little scared when i saw the dogs@his abode
thankfully they were harmless

he came down to rescue me(a knight????)
we went up
we had a bit of small talk
we went in..............

Hullo

Remember new job?
moved to new site
love the new space
been too busy to blog
but......................


GOT MY FIX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yippieee

will blog about it next tyme i am online

love u blogsville

Comfort

How do you comfort a grieving man or ill(fever)



There's a special kind of solace a man can ONLY find in a woman's arms



and bed..................

Sexual Harrassment

I have been sexually harrassing bike riders.....
Do i do it on purpose?
Do i get a kick from it?
nah
why do i do it?
cos i need to........
for my own safety


When i am on a bike for more than 10mins my legs start to shake
i dont go on bikes after 7pm-i cant see
it dont matter if he can.........
but back to me harrassing them
everytyme i get swerved or they go too fast or whatever...........
my body stiffens..........so my knees hug them
afterall its their ass(es)/hip(s) my knees are hugging.................

see why i dont get a kick outta it?
its a thing borne out of fear
i have no plan to join them at the okada ward in Igbobi
but harrass them i will............
everytyme i get a scare during a bike ride

if anyone wants to save me the agony of a law suit
the account number to pay in the get Ibi a car NGO is ...............

IT gets him EVERYTHING

They say money is the international language of love for a man
it gets him EVERYTHING

for women it is youth..........
a killer body
big breasts
and the ability to suck a golf ball through a garden hose....


personally....in the following order............
a man's intellect
his personality
loyalty
and a good heart
he HAS to LOVE GOD-only then can he love me
..............the way i need to be loved



have a swell weekend u all.....

She ran away..................

I learnt with polio vaccines you should get about 4 shots before school starts-here in naija school starts at about 3yrs
i am not sure how old i was but i do know you
get one shot somewhere between one to two months
another shot at four months
the third shot somewhere from 6 to 18 months
and the last shot between 4-6yrs

the incident i wanna talk about i have no recollection of so i am guesing it was the 6-18months shot.............

Mum took me to the hospital for my polio shot
I was a good girl about taking the shot so she promised me a treat.....

I love needles-i very much hate drugs(chalk i call it)
reminds me of the song............
you push it in-i pull it out
you push it back-i start to shout
oh doctor please its terrible, i cant stand the size of your needle
love this song-me???i love needles
if its biggggg.............even better*wink*

ok moving on........
we(Mum&I) get home and she decides to give me the treat
Ibi,have this........
I stretch out my arm,try to get up...
I cant...
Mum goes,Ibi didnt you hear me call you?
come and get this........
i look longingly at the sweet but my legs refuse to obey me
she gets agitated......IBI GET UP!!!!!!!!!!
Mum i can't...........
my legs are not working(or something like that)
she scoops me up and back to the hospital we go

On the way to the hospital i lost consciousness
At the hospital she finds out i was to be adminstered a 1.5mg vaccine
maybe cos i was such a doll-the idiot nurse administered 3.0mg
They had to flush my system
They had a bit of trouble finding my vein
so i got it(drips) in the head
some of my hair was shaved off(that explains my fascination for body hair&my baldness)

all this while i wasnt conscious............
Mum got pretty scared cos her chatterbox was quiet
she says she got up and sneaked out of the room after a while
trust traffic-it took Dad/Gramps and whomever else she had called a while to get there-moreover there were no mobiles then

On her way down......some random nurse sees her and asks where is she off to????
She says.................
I AM RUNNING AWAY..............
the nurse goes why?
she says.........ahhhh.......i dont know what to tell her father and grandfather when they get here
she hasnt opened her eyes and seeing that shaved part of her head isnt helping matters
the nurse goes...where are you running to?
mum says she has no idea cos she cant even go back to her Dad's
that the first place Ibi's Gramps will look for me....
so the nurse assures her
Ibi will be fine
i am sure she will regain consciousness soon
just go back&stay with her....pray...
your daughter needs you& she will be fine
Mum goes......ok i wanna pee
the nurse says there a loo upstairs in the room where Ibi is

Mum goes back,there i was,eyes open calling for her
She comforted me and asked how i was ..the first thing i asked for was my sweet
she laughed and assured me i will get it soon
she must have told me a lot of other things i cant remember
and the only reason i can blog about this is because she told me this story

I found/still find it HILARIOUS
where in heavens name was she going?
If not to her Dad's and not to Gramps?
why did she feel the need to run?
why did she feel she wouldn't be able to explain to Gramps what happened
when it was through no fault of hers
all she did was take me in for a shot....

Please`note i am Mum's first-it was her first major scare as a young mum
and her not wanting to face Gramps was not fear-it was just denial on her part

nurse is lucky-mum didnt sue
well in naija we dont have a sueing culture
i do hope the hospital disciplined the nurse as they promised to do
i also hope she didnt do it to another child who was not so lucky.....

everytime i remember the story i crack up
but really how safe are we when we trust our health to some of these crazy ass medical personnels????

i am at my new firm-yipeeeeeeeeeee
if u see what i need to study just so i can carry out my duties effectively???
Its like i am studying for an exam
but i am loving it
take care blogsville
MWAH

From Shacrown

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you
thought? Hi Gorgeous.........

2. How much cash do you have on you? about 5k

3. Whats a word that rhymes with door? more???

4. Favorite planet? Earth

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your mobile? My supervisor

6. What is your favorite ring on your phone? Love is wicked...Brick&Lace

7. What shirt are you wearing right now? Black&White spiral thingy from my brother

8. Do you "label" yourself? Other than Gorgeous????

9. Name the brand of shoes you're currently wearing? Lime(lol-that whats on it)

10. Bright or Dark Room? Dark

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey? Whatever!!!!!!!!!!!

13. What were you doing at midnight? Dreaming of getting my fix(u know....those grammyssssss i wanna pick sometyme sooooonnnnnn........

14. What did your last text message you received on your mobile say? Have you found your glasses?

15. Where is your mail box? Downstairs.......

17. Who told you he/she loved you last? Mama

18. Last furry thing you touched? Been ages i touced anything that has fur...

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days? None

20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? do u mean for pics???*confused look*

21. Favorite age you have been so far? 29 here & now

22. Your worst enemy? La diable

23. What is your current desktop picture? My Chocolate-Denzel.....

24. What was the last thing you said to someone? I can't help you if you refuse to listen to me

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly? Where the money at????

26. Do you like someone? Seriously? Yea..........

27. The last song you listened to? some random ish on radio

28. If the last person you spoke to was getting shot at, would you run? Yea.....

29. If you could punch one person right now, who would it be? and do damage to my fingers??hell no

30. What is the closest object to your left foot? wires

Trouble

I usually am outta my abode at 645
Today i woke up at 630
I need an hour to get my beautiful self together in the mornings
so i left home at 730
Sent an sms to my colleague-i am running late
be there as soon as i can

Took a while getting a bus
Asswipe hiked the price
with ONLY 30 naira ooooooooooo
his reason?no fuel
i WASNT having it
others huffed and puffed
me?
had my earfones on listening to rhythm
(my fun thing to do whilst undertaking a bus ride)
E be like say dude no notice say i no open my mouth
but mennnnnnnnnnnnnnn
he wasnt getting that 30naira from me oooooooooo

EVERYONE else AFTER all their puffing conceeded the hike
me?
sitting as cool as cucumber with the unhiked fee in my hand

first station a queue-second station no queue

me?all set for TROUBLE
dude was singing praises or making noise........
i have no idea what he did all thru the journey
but i could hear him rant
i wasnt listening.....
i just know he kept asking for his money
i would give him the unhiked fee and he would reject it
i had made up my mind i was gonna get down from the bus
without paying the hiked fee

ONLY ME
i figured he could loose the 30naira from one passenger

we get to Cms
i am about to disembark.........
dude goes-give me my money,abi wetin be ur problem??
earfones still in-i calmly give him the unhiked fee
he proceeds to push me
i step back..........
I LOVE LAGOS
all the men go
leave am now
sebi na only her
collect wetin she give u

driver stretches his arm and i give him the unhiked fee
i walk away strutting
feeling pleased with meself
i got away with it again

I once got a bus ride home where i decided not to pay a hiked fee
dude ended up giving me all my money back
he hiked the fee by 50 naira
i wasnt having it
but i had no change so i gave him a 1000 naira note
pissed at myself that he would get away with his hike
well he stupidly returned five 200 naira notes to me
i didnt say a word-just pocketed my money

I am evil-i know
maybe i will try it again tonight............
bus ride home.............
not pay a hiked fee tonight(i doubt i will get away with it)
*wink*

Flexible

Easter was Fab
lots of sleeping&reading tyme
also had tyme to hang out with my girlfriend&my family
On sat i had a Denzel movies day
Ohhhhh that guy is just THE epitome of Chocolate
Please God send me a Denzel lookalike


I used to be able to REALLY rock the beat
someone was looking for Ibi one day in Uni and this babe goes
I'm looking for that babe that dances all nite at parties
she wears glasses-oh.............ok.she's in the first room
i wondered if i was amused or pissed at the description

myself and my friends would waltz into a party about 11pm and dance till 5/6am
not drinking nuthing or trying to catch a nap-saved u from horny guys
some friends of ours had a party they didnt invite us to
the Ac's were laced with spanish fly
i dont know if it worked but they obviously had plans to shag any one who seemed ready and willing

I have always felt if u can move ur body on the dance floor-u sure as hell will be able to do so in a bed
I haven't been proven wrong yet

So i have noticed i cant do all the things they do in music videos
while i have no intentions of going to a party then try to buggy by copying Psquares or Kaffy's moves
I would like to be sexy-all that tummy rolling&booty shaking
every gal on tv seems able to do
sadly i cannot
i guess my bones are becoming feeble

I do know that Thanks to my Austrian Aunt
My legs are still able to do what i ask them to do
spread as far apart as i ask it
hang on a guys shoulder
or wrap aroung him soooo tight he needs to ask me to loosen up so he can breathe
Since i can still perform those functions
that's how flexible i need to be

Update.................
fuckmate tried to hook up this easter
wasnt in the mood for him
I guess i am saving myself for someone else
pray who will it be?I have no idea
it still hasnt happened............
when will it?i know not

But when it does........whoever it is
Please God.........i ask that he make my vagina sing songs of praise
cos my vagina has not reached its full potential since i broke up with Mel
Mel&I were an item for 3yrs(03-06)
I believed he was *the one*
Fuckmate came on the scene last yr
with him its not what i need.........
i need me a guy that will make me sing songs worthy of a Grammy
I wanna sings those songs from both ends of me
*wink*

V-monologues

Caught it yesterday(V-monologues)
part cos i am a cheapskate-it cost only 300 naira at the National Theatre
part cos i am patriotic-national theatre(yea right)
part cos i wanted to distract my girlfriend
without spending a lot of cash(yea me being a cheapskate again)
part cos i wanted entertainment

Omonor Imobhio was FABULOUS
Bimbo Akintola brought tears to my eyes
Ashionye was hilarious
Jennifer Osammor was great
Kemi(lala)Akindoju was stellar
Tunde Aladese was spectacular
Yinka Davies made me hate war more
The male actors?superb
didnt get to see Funmi Iyanda,Kate Henshaw & Stella Damasus

If u haven't caught it
do so today 20th March 6pm Terra culture Victoria Island
else.....u have to wait till next year

Saw Laspapi-when he came out to introduce the cast
didn't get to say hi
after it was done cos my girlfriend needed to go

So yesterday was a public holiday
woke up sans alarm(BLISSFUL)
reconciled with my couch
had a leisurely breakfast.
a siesta(me a siesta????)
then went for the show
then a bday dinner
fun day

no plans for easter yet
but i kinda like it that way
i can pick and choose who i wanna go see
where i wanna go

Happy Easter u all

How far?

Not far?
fuckmate caught the ground-nut i threw him
traffic was a bitch-*the do* hasnt happened

i have managed to keep my raging hormones under control
by staying away from blogs that talk too much about *the do*
thank the Lord Ubongda has stopped posting

have a new friend-she assures me she's female
she keeps sending me emails about measuring height
(new word for the do)
she expects me to reciprocate
while i can gist about the do(measure height) on my blog or with friends i choose
i dont get the idea of trying to strike and maintain a friendship with a person online when all she wants to do is talk about MH
i am starting to think she isn't female or shes's just bisexual

whenever i get online friends
if for whatever reason i strike up an online friendship
i stay friends online for at least 2 yrs before i decide to hook up
for others i stay online freinds forever
i have no wish to meet up with some pple in person
she now belongs to that category
i aiint looking forward to a sister touching me in places............
she invited me to bauchi for her birthday on the 1st April
while i have no idea why i must take a day or 2 of work for her birthday
she added more glamour by saying she will send me money for the trip AND come and pick me up
she is definitely stalking me

MH-measure height
makes u wonder when u think of couples like the Smiths(Will&Jada)
if they truly measure their heights
I am living proof that it dont matter what the height difference
is btw u and a partner
the ass will still be tapped
men appear more macho with smaller mates anyways
they get to manoeuver
a friend once said smaller mates are malleable


a pal said a gynecologist cleans where others have pleasured themselves
y should he not get a piece?

Chocolate

Love enriches the soul
delights the heart but takes
unrelenting and unabating effort


Can someone get this guy off my back?????
(the guy from complicated post)
i need to get laid soon
its been a while
i just mite swallow my pride and buzz fuckmate
at least thats all the friensdhip is about
help me release tension when i get pent up-without the drama


i like it when a pair of jeans
rides low
male or female butt............
dont matter
i do have a problem if i get to see the butt crack



I love chocolate
dont mind strawberry
not into vanilla

i think it translates into my taste in men

i prefer them looking like Denzel
with the swagger-i will die

Greek guys/Indians guys(not exactly pink like strawberry but not exactly brown)

Light skinned guys???nah
can appreciate a good looking brother even if he's fair skinned
but personally............
give me a chocolate coloured brother ANYDAY

i think i am gonna call fuckmate...............

And i saw STARS................

Everytime i annoyed my dad
all he did was pick up a paper pretend to read
then ask u to knock on the wall behind him
yea not door,wall till he could hear
i would do it for a few seconds,groan about my knuckles
and Papa would say-dont do that again
whatever it was.................


so when i got my first boyf-M
we were kidding around one day and he said i would give u the beating ur father forgot to give u
he was right on target
Papa never beat me
But Mama(another story)
and i remembered my first............

I spent the years 9-16 with my Gramps
Gramps youngest child(my Uncle)is 4 years older than moi(dad is Gramps eldest son)
thing is 2youngsters-what do u get?
sibling rivalry
or in our own case......uncle-niece rivalry
i liked to get the guy into trouble
anything he did and hid from Gramps
his best bet was i should not find out
else Gramps was sure to hear and the guy would be lashed and or punished
this had gone on for about a year
this day,apparently-dude was tired of my tell-tale attitude
soon after i reported and he had being punished for the umpteenth tyme
i went to tell him Grandma was looking for him
he said-ok but come,i want to give u something
i had forgotten ooooooooo-usually i avoid him for days
after any incident
soon as i got close enough

he just raised his hand-i wasn't thinking straight(i had never gotten one before)
and landed me a slap
i swear i saw STARS
u know when u watch a cartoon and they fall and see those birds,butterflies or whatever that fly across their eyes
i did see............little fireflies
i was shellshocked
i didnt even have it in me to go report the incident to Gramps
well he was praying and everyone knows noone dares disturb the guy during salat
i did tell Grandma though-who promised me heaven i dont tell Gramps
i never did tell Gramps especially when i remember Uncle promised me
i would get another if i told

i never got another
i stopped telling on him
peace reigned in our abode

FIRST HUG

Found a new word-well not in the dictionary or anything
but u know how we all say
fuck,shag,gbensh,roll in the hay..........
i guess it's not new to some
but i like how it sounds
boffing
thats my new word for *the do*


I was 18
8pm April 24 1996
yea i remember the date
was seeing my cousin off to her abode
cos we lived in different apartments the first year in uni
saw a guy..........
and i thot *Oh my God those biceps are not real*
he was at the junction with a friend(small guy)
i didnt notice him(smally)
i only had eyes for this tall dark (found out)good looking dude
he wasnt built like Arnold/Vin but at that age,most guys i knew were skinny
they said hello to my cousin and the introductions followed
i hated my cousin that instant for knowing a hunk like that and not telling me
we walked on and i accused her and she was like
oh she met them a few days ago
they are a riot-bunch of 2 cousins and 3 other friends
already we had such a team-cousin and 1 and 3 other friends -how cute

Anyone ever wondered how after u meet a person u seem to always bump into them?
next day and every day after that-our paths would cross.........
i must have being sending out some vibes
he seemed smitten too
but no one was making a move
after a while he would come for visits
i lived on a storey building-i could always see who was coming up the stairs
if it was him i would meet him/them at the top of the stairs
Ohhhhhhhhh i am headed to K's place(my cousin)
we would stroll down there together
the idea was-much as i was giddy having him around
i wasnt looking forward to being alone with him
to this day i have no idea why i had such a notion

we kept on at this till Dec
cousin and I found an apartment we could both move into
was closer to Dudes abode-lets call him M
A day later we move in-he walks by
Oh u babes now live here?(M)
yea(I)
I live just around the corner-i mite drop in tonite(M)
Oh we are travelling in a few hours(I)
headed home for an Aunts wedding(I)
When will u b back?(M)
lectures on mon so back sun nite(I)
ok see u then(M)

Home/Wedding was fun-all the while i had it at the back of my mind
*He* lives around the corner from my new abode
Got to sch-roomie says she saw him yesterday and invited him in for a drink
he was grilling her about me so she just said
ASK HER OUT
he was perplexed she said-she goes i have noticed how u both have been pussyfooting around each other and it's sooooooo obvious to who is looking u are both smitten
ask her out already
he goes ok(I guess that was the impetus he needed)

When she relays the convo-at first i freak out
then i go-hey i have been drooling since April
i am gonna say yes(if he dares ask)

He comes to visit-we chat,laff as a group
he says he's leaving
i get up to see him off
we walk a few mins then he says
Ibi-will u be my girlfriend?
I ask-are u sure thats what u want?
He says yes-well i can give u tyme to think about it
I said YES-i dont need tyme to think about nothing
been waiting since forever for u to ask
So there in the middle of the street
he gets this big grin on his face-moves closer and gives me a big bear HUG
i felt cocooned

he then proceeds to gimme a peck
T'was soooo sweet
some guy who wasn't enjoying the show
yells at us to get a room before we get squashed by a car
we say our goodbyes
and i go to the room grinning from ear to ear
to tell roomie,cousin and other friends the good news
I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

is the title of the post right?
is it first hug or first boyfriend
*wink*

have a fabulous weekend
MWAH

Phallus

My 3 yr old cousin told her friend who annoyed her
"ori e da bi oko"(your head looks like a ....
yea.....dick willy sausage phallus snake penis
so i asked her what oko is.......
she says "kini ti awon malla ma fin to"
that thing mallams use to pee
so u see she knows what she talking about


which brings me to the first tyme I saw a phallus
i was 8
we were in Kano visiting my Aunt and her family
throughly enjoyed the plane ride
no bus ride this tyme
mum,meself and my brother
i was sooo looking forward to the swings in their estate
my Uncle worked for CBN then
my Aunt was/is a teacher,then she had a lot of Indian students
she had a pile of Indian magazines from her students and fellow indian teachers

there was an indian movie on tv everyday then
it just fuelled my love for Amitabh Bachan

moving on.....this fateful day i woke up
needed to pee........
my cousins i shared a room with, where taking forever in the loo and tub
i went to the boys room -samething

went to my mums room-she was doing number two
i really needed to go
so i went into my aunts room
she was also doing number two
why was everyone against me*&*%#%^@$&

i decided to do it in the bathroom
why i did not go whine to my mum or my cousins or the boys
i have no idea...........
but i wasnt peeing in my panties
at the door to my aunts tub i listened for water splashing
no sound...........so no one there
or so i thot

i push open the door already lifting my nightie
behold....this THING
i had no name for it
and my uncle's shocked face
i stood for about 10 secs staring at the thing
i realised my uncles is NAKED
so i ran out
yea the urge to pee left me

mins later mum hears about the escapade and goes
Ibi did u see anything when u opened the door?
i said no but i am sorry i didnt know Uncle was there
i know its wrong to pee in the tub but i really needed to go
all i wanted to do was a quick one and i will rinse the tub

she goes-why didnt u come to me?
why didnt u go check if any of the other loos was no longer occupied?
i already told her sorry abi?
but i had no intention of soiling meself
mum says no problem as long as u saw nuthing
i reaffirmed i saw nuthing


she grills me for another 5 mins and i keep saying i saw nothnig
she lets me go....i thot i got the best of "inspector gadget" today
she wont hear me say i saw sumthing
wetin i see sef?



2hrs later (i don forget o)
she calls me to the room whilst the others were engrossed wit a movie on tv
my mum knows if u need me to spill blood get me away from a movie i am engrossed in
and starts to grill me again
what did u see
what type of woman is this$£%^&**^$£
i said i no see anthing abi na by force?
she then threatens to beat the living daylights outta me
belive my mum when she says that
she will at least try......

so i start to cry and i said
ok i saw something............
what is it?
i dont know
i didnt see it well
i have never seen it before but i saw something sha

she then beats me o
imagine
a scared for life little 8 year old
she beats me
my offence?i lied to her
NEVER EVER LIE TO ME
haven't i always drummed that into your head?
when my mum beats u-do ur best not to scream

cos if anyone comes to say
pls mama ibi stop
she will only increase the intensity
so i had to make sure folks in the living room wouldn't hear me

only then does she let me be after telling me i was never to enter my aunts room not even bathroom AGAIN unless SHE(my mum) not room owner calls me in

na wa o
i no even know the name of the thing i see
it wasnt until primary 6 (2yrs later)and the reproductive system that i caught a glimpse of it in the biology book
but we were not taught about *it*
just ours

my next encounter with a phallus was when i watched my first porn at 13

Complicated.................

I am horny

Do it already...........

With who?

I dont have me a man

My fuckmate is on suspension
he didnt call for 3 months
or maybe i should get me a new fuckmate????

Got a proposition from a guy 2yrs younger
I am not bothered that he is younger
I am bothered that he acts his age

y should it bother me?
Why cant I just get what i want
what does it matter who from?



Sex is easy
i should just get it
Its everything else that is complicated
(he's younger,acts his age,might not be able to pleasure me



Men think dating is fine
sex is good
an attachment? no way


Women think dating is important
sex is/should be earth shattering
an attachment? how soon


Why am I Female?

First times.......

Was reading Nyemoni's blog..
first tymes.......

I guess i wanna blog about my first day at school..........
the one i remember will be secondary/high school
i have no recollection of my first day at primary school

i had this weird desire to school as far away from home as possible
so i guess i looked at the map of Nigeria and from Lagos........
i chose to school at Federal Government College Sokoto
My uncle was a pilot at the then Nigerian Airways so i knew getting there wouldn't be a problem-he had two sons there-so i was looking forward to being the female cousin

I didnt get in........
I got into Federal Government College Minna
I really was tiny then and i was 11
so i got my period on the night before i left for school
yea.....new chapter of my life.....new me
my mother still cringes..........

ok-two stories in one
first period-first day at school

was watching a movie...my stuff all packed
felt funny
went off to the ladies
saw blood................
at first i drew a blank
then it ocured to me
Ohhhhhhhh now i get to be a woman?
went off to tell Gramps...he smiled and sent me off to Grandma
She was amazed-kept wondering aloud why it had to be tonight of all nights
no sanitary towels at home
Granma didnt need it no more
My uncle went to the store....closed

i guess its crude but i had to make do with the cloth
remember how Grandma did it before sanitary towels?
Grandpa came in after a while and suggested tissues
so grandma showed me how to use the tissue

the whole neighbourthood would have known i got my period
i was walking like i had something between my thighs
i did
try telling an 11 yr old she had to walk like she had nothing btw her legs..............

then came the talks...............
u are going off to boarding school
be wary of boys
now u have ur period u can become pregnant if they touch u down there
dont let NO ONE touch u down there
Gramps first then Grandma
they called my parents and i got the talk over the phone as well
Mum,Dad,Mum's eldest sis,Uncle the Doc finally my Aunt the chaperon
must have got to bed about midnight

off to school the next morning after kissing Gramps goodbye
(loved to run my little palm over his stubble)
miss u Gramps................

got to the park
stores still not open
Grandma and my aunt went with me
who lets an 11yr old travel from Lagos to Minna by road alone?
not my family

Stopped at...have no idea...Aunt says come along...
we went to the ladies after finally getting some sanitary towel
she showed me what to do
i still walked liked i had something between my legs
it was uncomfortable in my opinion
i just wanted to yank it out and keep changing my pants once they were soaked

I love sleep and it loves me too
i have no idea what the scenery was
i spent every min that wasnt spent wit my nose in my novel sleeping
must have been a twelve hour journey in my opinion
at every stop,my aunt and I had to check down there.............

Every min i spent seated was bliss cos of.....u know what
Finally got to Minna then to the school
we had to look through a list for our names
my name was put against yellow house
i was still debating the idea of I in a yellow outfit
the School's Guidance counsellor who had being contacted
by my Aunt the Chaperon-my Aunt visited the school soon after we got the notification that i was gonna be in Minna-she met this nice family who put her through and she suggested or they suggested they would look after me during my stay in school
nice family....


The Guardian Cou...lets say Mr O comes up and says nooooo
strike that off...........She will be in green house
i felt yea someone after my heart
Along comes this plump beautiful lady-he pulls me towards her and says
shes from Lagos and she is your responsibility
she R was in green house,he needed for me to be in the same house as she
My very own school mum-wasnt elated but being the school daughter of the Labour prefect turned out to be bliss

It almost became a family thing-Male labour prefect then decided to be my school dad
i said no-he liked the fact that i had a mouth on me
i was easily one of the smallest in the whole school then
this tiny thing who had a BIG mouth and wasnt afraid to talk back to ANYONE

I spent a lot of my tyme with Gramps and i was encouraged to say just about anything
so it was an eye opener to know i had to shut up if i didnt want to be eligible for punishment from the seniors

i had immunity all thru my first year in school
so i guess i got worse
all that tyme the seniors in SS 2 were plotting...........
they couldnt wait for my immunity to wear off cos wear off it did in my second year
now i have to blog about my first punishment.......

how did i go from first day to first period to first year in school?
R=school mum's eyes almost popped out of their sockets when she found the towels in my luggage
she helped me get thru the next few days
it was like having a big sis
which is cool(i dont have a female sibling)

After the introduction to school mum i said good bye
to Grandma & Aunt the Chaperon
She was being all clingy and i wasnt having that
i felt your job is done u have seen me here safely
can u please go?
i couldn't wait to go explore my new surroundings

went off with school mum after Grandmum&Aunt the Chaperon
had settled into Mr O's home
they had to spend the night-couldnt make the trip back to Lagos
was asked to spend the night with them
i choose to go check out my new abode

Hung around school mum the rest of the day while she handled her duties
slept in her bed-i have no idea where she passed the night
next day i got the bed beside hers
she made sure she hung around till i fell asleep though
t'was a tad colder than Lagos
had a dreamless sleep
i forgot to mention how disgusted i was by all the other new comers like meself who burst in tears once their folks had to go


stay tuned for other firsts.......

Comfortable

How comfortable are you in your skin?

Moi...................Very

I remember one full moon night in Uni
we girls had this habit of having our baths outside
not outside the compound-thing is the house we all lived in
had this open space at the back where the well was
we were priviledged to have a well in our compound
others would come and beg for water in our abode

Thing is when we needed to do this........
we would ask that someone shuts the main entrance
and if anyone heard a knock the person was sure to go inform whoever was bathing outside that a male was coming in

so this day -whoever it was that opened the door decided to reduce my brideprice
so i am there having my bath....
and this guy walks in
it would have being nice if he was just some random guy in school
he turned out to be a friend's friend-but a person i know and speak with

he saw me-shey he would have just walked away
he just stood there and said Ibi.............Hi
5 secs later i got over my intial shock and i said hello
how u been?
he says cool-then asks me-have i seen D?
the babe he was in my hostel to see
i said no-check her room
he says
nice seeing u-then proceeds to knock on D's door
D opens the door and is shocked that he was at her door and there I was

later she comes into my room mortified-why did'nt i run,scream,pour water on him?
i said well he had already seen me
what was the point?
he decided to be like that............
so i played along
afterall no body send me to bath outside abi?


i have a cousin who goes once she sheds her clothes before a man
she becomes shy.................
i know brothers dont mind baring it
but in my opinion
since we are both in our birthday suits
what the hell
i aiint feeling shy over my body
its beautiful-i am proud of it
ok-so i aiint as bootilicious as Jlo
it will happen yet
in my lifetyme..................

but if some bro thinks if he happens to see me
i am gonna be embarrassed about it.........
it aiint happening
not unless my clothes get torn in the middle of third mainland bridge
or somewhere densely populated
but if its a brother at a tyme*wink*
even uninvited onlookers.............
i looooooooooooove my body.......................
come see

From Shacrown

Two Names you go by:
Ibi
Az


Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now
Jeans
Earrings

Two Things You Would Want (or have) in a Relationship
Chemistry
Honesty

Two of your favorite things to do
Watch movies
browse d net

Two things you want very badly at the moment:
Chocolates
More money

Two pets you had/have:
Cats
Chickens

Two things you did last night
Listened to Asa
Watched Tv

Two things you ate last night:
Yam
Fish

Two people you last talked to
Boss
Co-worker

Two longest car rides
Lagos-Jos
Lagos-Kano

Two favourite holidays
Christmas
Eid-Il-Kabir

Favourite Beverages
Milo
Milo


Person no longer alive you'd like to talk to
Gramps
Maternal Grandma

Dream

O calls me yesterday to tell me about his befuddlement
He works for company V and gets a mouth watering offer from company M
he drops a letter for company V and is to start at company M 3rd march
thereby giving V two weeks notice
yesterday company M calls him up and says if he doesnt start work today 21st
the job goes to someone else........
So he has to come in to company V today and tie up loose ends since he cant work till the 29th no more
he really wants to work for M-more work load,better pay,car,experience,exposure-the works
but he just got slightly amazed over the *if he doesnt come today 21st he looses the offer*
i'm thinking some big shot@M wants his brother to have the job
havent spoken to him but he said he will be at M today


I just started with company A in feb
yesterday i got an offer from company E
*mouthwatering offer*
'cos i am going...........
just feels sad that just when i was building bonds at A
E sauntered in with this yummy deal


Last night i had a dream
O & I in bed together-just comforting each other
no intimacy.............
thing is -it couldn't ever happen
he is crazy in love with J and much as i love O
it's platonic
Does my dream have anything to do with the fact
that we are both changing jobs
both offers are contract positions
but i am thinking if we can both work our asses off for the next 2yrs
we get to stay dont we?

Facebook,Grammar,Jokes

...........and Laspapi had to burst my bubble
Some addictions are a phase(even i know dat)
while i will never loose my addictions for
all things sweet(blame my incurable sweetooth for that)
I have been cured of my facebook addiction
not cos of laspapi's comment
even though this post makes it seem so..........
but......cos i think someone at work has decided
Ibi shall no longer have mins to spare for facebook
but i shall always find tyme to blog&do my rounds


I have a serious problem with people who have a problem with their tenses
while i understand that for such people it may
have started as a result of going to the wrong primary schools(not their fault)
what irks me is.........
*when they get older-y do they still have a problem&^%$#@*(&%#
i just cant stand it
anyone above 10 who goes
did u saw him?
should be SHOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So there's this guy who is trying...........
he's been sending mails,sms
then he calls and goes
did u saw him?
i think he needs to b shot
i have deleted his number
i have no plans to foster further friendship
or whatever he had in his little miind
with a person who cant have a conversation
with my 4yr old niece without me having heart palpitations






A state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the female blonde driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener

What???,Jokes

Hey peeps
I am having bloggers block

When i first discovered facebook
i wasnt impressed..

i re-discovered it recently
and i have to not go to facebook till it's about an hour to go home
its sooooooooooo addictive

which brings me to my other addictions
icecream,movies,music,blogging,novels

i wonder if i deserve my earnings??

*wink*

ok so i am rambling.......

ENJOY


A new monk arrives at the monastery.
He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand.
He notices, however, that they are copying from copies,
not the original manuscripts.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this.
He points out that if there were an error in the first copy,
that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for
centuries, but you make a good point, my son.
" So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to
check it against the original.

Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the monks
goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from
the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one
of the original books crying.

He asks the old monk what's wrong, and in a choked voice comes
the reply..."The word is 'celebrate.'"





A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like
his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign reading, “BEST DEALS.”

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign reading, “LOWEST PRICES.”

The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read: “MAIN ENTRANCE.”


have a fabulous weekend u all
i plan too

Happy Valentine

I got what i wanted
remember i said it didn't matter where it came from
i was willing to perch
A cake
My boss got all the ladies at work a cake
so i got a cake
yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaa


I wish u all a day that will gladden ur heart
and make u warm all over
have a happy happy val's day


Joke-Couldn't resist
One day a man tried to get a job with a great company.
He passed every test with flying colors,
but during the final interview,
the CEO told him that his constant blinking
would bother customers.

"I can fix that with some aspirin.
I'll just take some and be better in a second.
" So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls
condom after condom out until he finds the aspirin.
He takes it and his blinking goes away.

The CEO says, "We don't approve of womanizing!"
The guy says "Oh, no!
Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist
for aspirin while you’re winking?"

Disappearing val,Jokes

So i met this guy last year-Jan
He professed love after 4 days
i wasnt falling for that shit
moreover all i ever wanted from him
was a friendship or an acquaintanship
love?hell no

so he asks me like a few days to val(last year)
what do i want for vals
i say nothing
he pesters-i insist nothing
he then suggests
he will come take me out to diinner
thing is i hate dinner at a fast food restaurant on val's
especially with a person i wasnt feeling hot about

he calls me
says he wil be at my place in another hour
this was about 7pm
i never saw him
i never called him
his love died a natural death
didnt hear from him...........

TODAY i met him online
he says hi
we chat
next thing i know he is asking for my number
yes the mo' fu' lost it
i gave it to him
then he goes he needs to see me
i am wondering y
i ask y we need to see
he says he REALLLY NEEDS TO SEE ME

can someone out there remind him
tom is vals day
is he trying to do another disappearing act?
i feel no anger or anticipation
i am just stupefied at him

is he normal *&^%$^&^$$

he did call
i was in no mood for a conversation
y did i give him my number?
i'd just rather let him have it
than get it from any other mo' fu'
i can always ignore his calls
so he knows i dont wanna talk to him
when i ignore his calls

as much as i am hoping to get a piece of cake
(remember my friend's boyf-who should get her a cake)

if it comes from him....
i will give it out






A guy walked into a bar and sat down next to an extremely gorgeous
woman. The first thing he noticed about her was her pants.
They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no zippers, buttons
or velcro for opening them. After several minutes of puzzling over
how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the
nerve to ask her.

"Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?" he asks.

"Well," she replied, "You can start by buying me a drink."







Larry was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when
he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Bill Johnson,
who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.
Larry, somewhat of a loudmouth, shouted across the garage,
"Hey Johnson... Is that you? Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Larry
was working on a car. "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this work.
I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I
finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get
the big bucks when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

Johnson, very embarrassed, walked away and said softly to Larry, "Try doing your work with the engine running."







An extremely shy fellow brought his date a bouquet of flowers.
She threw her arms around him and kissed him long and hard.
After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.

She exclaimed, "Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you."

"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going out to buy you some jewelry








An Irishman walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?"

The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one,
then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, you don't have to order three at a time.
I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States.
We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together.
So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.”

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.

Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that
I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine -- I just quit drinking."

Mobile,Babes,Love is, Jokes

cant remember my life without my mobile anymore
is it just me??????


i obsess about the sms's on my fone
any texts that is personal is deleted once read
any text that can be misconstrued is deleted
cos some people are just nosy parkers.........





i think a lot of kids out dia are loving the *twins*
their mum's and any other........
had *my* encounter on sun
first thing the little lady did was pinch me on the boobs
then she proceeded to kick me
i think cos i wasn't forthcoming
her mum kept apologising.........
but i didnt give a hoot
she could have kicked me from here to the bahamas
for all i care
she has no claim on my twins
so if she was showing her displeasure........
it was my pleasure to displease her



You dont have to find the perfect person
to experience perfect love


Love is when you care about someone else's
happiness always and forever
whether or not-you are destined to be together



A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine
restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman
comes over to their table, gives the husband a big
kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell
was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife.
"I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband,
"but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you
don't get any more shopping trips to Paris,no more
wintering in Barbados , no more summers in
Tuscany ,no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no
more yacht club.But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant
with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.




While sports fishing off the Florida coast,
a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators
kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,
"Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber replied. "The sharks got 'em





The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day
and told him to come into his office.

"What is your name?" was the first thing he asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of
a namby-pamby place you worked at before,
but I don't call anyone by their first name.
It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.
I refer to my employees by their last name only --
Smith, Jones, Baker -- that's all.
I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson.
Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

Jokes.......Flyer

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?"
asked the first guy.

"Well, not exactly. She's more into the trick dog aspect of it," replied his friend.

"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" asked the first guy.

"Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg; then she rolls over and plays dead."







A Nigerian and an American man are sitting next to
each other on a long flight from London to New York .

The American man leans over to the Nigerian and asks
if he would like to play a fun game.

The Nigerian just wants to take a nap, so he politely
declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few
winks.

The American man persists and explains that the game
is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask
you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you
pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't
know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the Nigerian politely declines and tries to get
to sleep.

The American man,now somewhat agitated, says, "OK,
if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I
don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"

This catches the Nigerian's attention, and he sees no
end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to
the game.

The American asks the first question. "What's the
distance from the earth to the moon?" The Nigerian
doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls
out a five dollar bill and hands it to the American.

Now, it's the Nigerian's turn. He asks the American
"What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down
on four?"

The American looks up at him with a puzzled look. He
takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his
references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem
and searches the net and the Library of Congress.
Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers-- all to
no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Nigerian and hands
him $100. The Nigerian politely takes the $100 and
turns away to try to get back to sleep. The American,
more than a little miffed, shakes the Nigerian and
asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the
Nigerian reaches into his wallet, hands the American
$5, and turns away to get back to sleep.







A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window
"I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir;
I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"

"I'm very sorry, sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank.
" So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over
to the bank manager to tell him about the situation.

They both return and the manager asks the old geezer,
"What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no problem, damn it!" the man says,
"I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery
and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager. "Is this bitch giving you a hard time?"















So i got this flyer
some woman calls herself
prophetess evangelist chaplain major general president overseer of a minsistry
is it just me,or does she need all these titles?????

she goes on to tell us the good she's done and
wants to continue to do for beggers,destitutes
the handicapped,the deaf,dumb,elderly pple,motherless babies,refugees,widows,hospitals and prisons
whilst i commend her and appreciate what she's doing
i have an issue with her asking us to help her cause
by sending money in two accounts both with the same bank
one savings,the other current
but both in *her* name

i am thinking y?
how does she account for all the money that goes in????
i know it's a question of integrity
but for proper accountability........
i think it should be an account in a company name
with other signatories
no offence intended but is it just me who thinks
thats the way it should b????????

Joke,Val cake,My Mantra,Love is...

An old lady was rocking away the last of her days on her front porch,

reflecting on her long life,when all of a sudden a fairy godmother appeared

in front of her and informed her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

POOF! Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

POOF! She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh can you change him into a handsome prince and make him my husband?" she asks.

POOF! There, before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone she could

possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten.

With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters

across the porch and whispers in her ear:

"Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered."




Ok so i am valess(i don't have a val)
but i've developed a craving for a *val* cake
so i dropped not so subtle hints to my pal's boyfriend
that she will appreciate a cake for val
(along wit whatever else he wanted to give her)
thing is..........i will get to eat some
i know so-she cant finish it all by herself
she will need help and i will be there(i am salivating)
i just hope he gets the hint*wink*




God may not answer you when u want but he is always on time



love is many things.it's varied,
one thing it is not and can never b is unsure


it's true dat most times we cant help those most close to us
either in part cos we don't know which part to give
or the part we have to give is not wanted
and that is why it's so that those we live wit and should know...........elude us
but we can still love them..........
we can love completely without complete understanding



Have a fabulous weekend
see ya all Mon
MWAH

Latecomer?Bus ride,The Miser,Impossible Situations

So i should get to work at 745am
I usually make it there anytyme from 750-810am
does that make me a latecomer?
no one is complaining though..........




OK in the bus today this chic was harrasing the driver about waiting at *every* bustop for passengers
i wonder-will he take an half empty bus to the island so u wont b late to work?
if u wanted to get to work on tyme...u leave home at the right tyme
not so?




There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife..."When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

"Wait just a moment!"
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,

"Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it."






Impossible Situations
These are some situations that seem illogical but actually possible. This type of puzzle is the subset of Situation Puzzle or sometimes known as Lateral Thinking Puzzle.

How can these situations be possible?
One day a girl celebrated her birthday. Two days later, her older twin brother celebrated his.

Each of the two persons is standing behind the other one.

A father and his son were in a car accident. The father was dead on impact. The son was severely injured and rushed to the hospital. However, the surgeon refused to operate on the injured boy, saying "I can't operate on him, he's my son!"

A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day of the same year but they were not twins.

A person was born on December, but her birthday is always in the summer.

Alan was 27 years old the day before yesterday. Next year he will be 30.

Two people are talking on the phone long distance. One is in an East Coast state of the United States, the other is in a West Coast state of the United States. The first asks the other, "What time is it?" He hears the answer and says, "That's
funny. It's the same time here!" Neither one of them were mistaken about the time.

I have 2 windows in the front of my house. Each window is square, 4 feet high and 4 feet wide. But one window is twice as large as the other.

A man leaves home one night and drives over a mile to meet a friend for a drink. When the man arrives home, the clock shows a time only five minutes later than when he left.

Three large people try to crowd under one small umbrella, but nobody gets wet.

A man has twelve toothpicks in front of him. He takes one away, and now he has nine in front of him.

Two nurses are going to a hospital. One of them is the mother of the other's daughter.

A woman has five children and half of them are boys.

Two sons and two fathers go fishing. They each catch one fish. The total number of fish they caught was only 3.

A child is born in Boston, Massachusetts, to parents who were both born in Boston, Massachusetts. The child is not a United States citizen.


Answers
Their mother gave birth while in a boat that was going to cross the International Date Line on a non-leap year. The boy,the older twin, was born early on March 1st. Then the boat crossed the International Date Line, and the girl was born on
February 28th. In a leap year, the younger twin celebrates her birthday two days before her older bother.

They are standing back-to-back

The surgeon is the boy's mother.

They are two of a triple/quadruple...

She was born in Australia.

Alan was born on December 31st, and today is January 1st.

One is in Eastern Oregon (Mountain time); the other in Western Florida (Central time), and the phone call takes place on daylight-savings-time changeover day at 1:30am.

The smaller window is tilted 45 degrees to make a diamond shape. It measures 4 feet horizontally and vertically from corner to opposite corner, while the larger window measures 4 feet along each side.

The man left his house just before the clocks were set back 1 hour for daylight savings time in the fall. His wife set the clock to show the correct time.

It is not raining.

The remaining 11 toothpicks were arranged to spell the word NINE.

They are a couple, a husband and wife.

She has all boys.

It is a grandfather, a father, and a son. The father is a son to the grandfather, and a father to the son.

The child was born before 1776.

Memory Loss,Cakes,Phones,Lack of use

So scientists have discovered that women have some sort of memory loss when *pregnant*
so when anyone u know is preggers and seems forgetfull..................
aiint her fault
blame the foetus!!!!!!!!!

about cakes...
www.bakersworldcakes.com
they deliver free if u book a cake worth 3500 and more
ehm ehm
i need a cake ooooooooo
*wink*



Would you like to know if your mobile is original or not?!!

Type *#06# on your mobile phone and the-International Mobile Equipment
Identity (IMEI) number appears.

Check the 7th and 8th digits.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 th 8 th 9 10 11 12 13 14 15
Phone serial no. x x x x x x x x x x x x


CLUES

1. IF the digit number Seven & Eight is 02 or 20 that mean it was assembled
in the Emirates which is very Bad quality

2. IF the digit number Seven & Eight is 08 or 80 that means it was
manufactured in Germany which is not bad

3. IF the digit number Seven & Eight is 01 or 10 that mean it's manufactured
in Finland which is Good

4. IF the digit number Seven & Eight is 00 that means it was manufactured in
original factory which is the best Mobile Quality ...

5. IF the digit number Seven & Eight is 13 that means it was assembled in
Azerbaijan which is very poor quality and potentially very dangerous to your
health!!

SO WHEN NEXT YOU GO OUT TO BUY A HANDSET, YOU KNOW WHAT TO LOOK OUT FOR




Lack of use
A woman came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children? I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away! “And he replied:” Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened" "Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, “but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And he began: "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them.
He took a quick breath and continued: "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,'"Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

Bus Ride

As unprepared as we were
i still expected a miracle as always
but Ghana is hosting to win apparently
we lost
thank God for the penalty
them for beat us 2-0

a lot of stuff goes on in people's lives
I enjoy bus rides in this city of lagos(sometymes)
one gets to hear all sorts

there was this woman,her grievance was that the fees lastma charges traffic offenders is too high
they should bring it to the barest minimum so people will not find it hard to pay
i disagree-the whole idea is no one should disobey traffic rules,if there is a steep fee to pay,people will learn to be cautious,why make it cheap?
so people can knowingly do damage to other road users just cos the fine is easy to pay?

one man's problem-atms
he picked a card
didnt change the original pin
which in my opinion is easily accessible to "any" hacker
so he uses his atm at an eatery
where he said a software programme was installed to take down pin numbers and card numbers of all atm cards used on it
i dont know how he came by the info.....
someone somewhere hacked into the system
he lost 20,000 naira
he went to the bank to complain-they showed him the transaction-no foul play detected
he has confisticated the atm card
he doesnt need it anymore-he says
he cant afford to loose money he didnt spend
i know people do all sorts with atm machines&stolen cards
i think maybe his money wouldn't have been tampered with
if only he had followed a simple instruction
"change your pin(personalise it)as soon as u receive your card"

another woman's grouse-she's been on leave
she noticed a lot of families seem to have men and women who stay at home all day and seemingly have no source of income but have what everyone else that has an 8-6(not9-5) thrive for....'the good life'

Large head..........sorry about ur cake saga....next tyme you need to book for a cake and pay for them to deliver...try Upper Crust and OR Cakes and Cream

men v women-choices,consent form

Scientists have confirmed what we knew all along
men go for looks when choosing a mate
women are far choosier
a speed dating project in munich,germany
men and women 26-40 ticked off their likes and dislikes after chatting for a few minutes
for men, attractiveness was on top of the list regardless of personality,professionalism or charm
for females,sensitivity,humour,charisma were reasons for second dates


What do u all think?

Dear All,
Following the rape accusation against Jacob Zuma and Kiiza Besigye, it is inevitable for men to start legally protecting themselves. Here is an agreement we are supposed to enter into when we have a date. Your comments please....please make sure all the documentations are fully signed and are in safe repository before doing the actual execution.

CONSENT FORM TO BE SIGNED BEFORE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE (MEN's PROTECTION DESIGNED AFTER THE JACOB ZUMA INCIDENT AND/OR CASE)

1. I _______________________, the undersigned female partner
(herein referred to as the "screwee"), about to enjoy sexual intercourse
with _______________ (hereafter referred to as the "screwer"), certify as follows:

1. THAT I am above the lawful age of consent.

2. THAT I am not under the influence of any narcotic substance(s).
3. THAT the aforementioned screwer did not use any force, threats, coercion or promises to influence me.

4. THAT I, the screwee, has no fear of him whatsoever.

5. THAT I do not expect or wish to marry him

6. THAT I do not know if he is married or not and I do not care.

7. THAT I am neither asleep nor drunk

8. THAT I am entering this relationship with him because I love it and want it as much as he does.

9. THAT in the event that I receive full and 'delicious' satisfaction, which I expect, I declare in advance, the capacity and willingness for further participation as soon as time permits.

10. THAT I will not act as a witness against him nor will I file charges against him in the event that:

10.1 I contract a sexual disease
10.2 I fall pregnant
10.3. I feel that he is violating any legislation - moral, legal or otherwise.

SIGNED BEFORE JUMPING INTO BED THIS _______ DAY OF (MONTH)____________

(YEAR) ___________ AT ___________________

Signature of screwee : ___________________

Date of birth : ___________________

Date of conduct : ___________________

Biceps

saw a guy today with bulging biceps-hmmmm
the sun was shining-his skin was glistening in the sun
he lifted 4 crates of Guinness 'with ease'
nice show


i remember an incident when my younger brother Sup was about 13
this guy in my opinion couldn't cook(then) to save his life
that day he showed me he could
mom and i went out
we knew we had just a little stew at home
but we planned not to go to the market
when we get home,we would prepare a bowl of eba and all 6 of us would eat together(mom,I,brothers&cousins)
we tagged such meals as 'family'-no one got individual plates
we got a big bowl made food and sat to eat together
but the eldest had to make sure for every bolus you swallow the youngest has two to swallow.....
it so happens a friend of my mom came to visit a few minutes after we left
So she waited a while....
after about 3hours ,Sup decided she must be hungry so he asks if she would like to have lunch-she says yes-so he goes into the kitchen-prepares eba for two, (considering the bowl i had to wash when i got home)the friend of my mum is a hearty eater-slim as a rake but eats enuff for two
anyways he was generous with the stew and meat:i was mentally devouring on the way back home.
we return home a full hour after the guest has digested the food and gone home only to get home hungry to an empty pot
we didnt get mad-we laughed our heads off
i just couldnt get over the fact that Sup could make 'edible eba'
that day was tagged alejo day(alejo means visitor)
to this day the easiest way to describe *the woman* to anyone is to say
that mum's friend 'alejo sup'
yea-u guessed right-i had to go to the market and cook



My first crush's'
Amitabh Bachan-all that chest hair-marvelous
Bruce Willis-from watching Moonlighting
Jake and the fat man-he always got the girls



Beyonce is allergic to perfume
I hate to go into lifts alone
Beyonce's cat is named master P
I hate smoking(the habit)i don't smoke and i abhor it in others
Beyonce was discovered by Whitney Houston
I hate it when anyone raises their voice at me
Beyonce's first solo-dangerously in love got her 5 grammys
I hate the greediness abound in our country
Beyonce's nicknames include Juju bee,foxxy
I hate it when the traffic light turns red just when i get there


Most common fear-Odynophobia-fear of pain


A man buys a PC
he is setting it up in the room
system asks for 'password'
he decides to be naughty and types 'penis'
system says 'password rejected not long enough'
wife bursts out laughing
'however did the system know?'
*wink*

Barka da sallah

My first sallah withhout Gramps
was good but oddos
but its all good

my cousin has a facial palsy
all started after a horrible flight on chanchangi-to abuja and irs-to lagos
she fanned herself from abuja to lagos in the irs plane
she got an earache
got home-slept
woke up with a numb face(left side)
by eveninig she was in hospital
had a cat scan, brain scan all sorts of tests
well shes home now
she has stopped stammering
but only the right side of her face is moving
she gets physiotherapy daily
she wants to go to the states
she doesnt think she is getting the best treatment
doc at saint nicholas said she may have the palsy for 6months
thats crazy
another doc has requested a test-it mite be a tia(mild stroke)
shes only 32
i have got over the initial scare i got when i heard
and saw her with slurred speech and she was stammering
thank goodness the cat scan and brain scan came out positive
i just wish she gets better quick
its not nice knowing she may have had a mild stroke
its also not nice watching her learn to chew with her left jaw
her nerves are not working
D-wish ur nerves would just up and start to work TODAY
love u gal
someone said na spiritual attack from her office
she has a political appointment-this new BRF regime
whatever it is,i dont belive these things
HE is able to restore your health
and i am trusting HIM


I wish u all in blogsville a very merry xmas
and a prosperous new year

Mber months

My boss got robbed yesterday-bag,fones,keys,cash
not sure if she got slapped but the last person
i know who got robbed also got raped so she is lucky
an evil part of me felt it serves her right
just cos i am mad at her
but hey for real
its not fair that i am gloating
it is a terrible experinence
i have never been a victim but i don hear enuff stories
peeps be careful its the yuletide-the boys r hungry
avoid traffic as much as u can and be afraid of nitetime
and before dawntime
that when they attack cars
rememeber to always leave your bags outa sight in your cars
and above all
NEVER underestimate the power of prayer
He keeps u safe if u remember to ask for His cover
ciao

WORDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When i was younger and trying to increase my vocabulary
My Gramps made me read newspapers,now i read almost anything
My Mum made me listen to the news to hear how words are pronounced
I pray my kids dont get to listen to the new breed of broad casters
haba
whats going on
Radio and tv this days
they keep assaulting my ears
they pronounce crap
as for Galaxy tv and dia diction avenue-its crap(i hope its off the airwaves)
NO ONE in my opinion uses THAT much stress when pronouncing a word
as for dress sense-I dont get why a young lady will wear a suit then beads!!!!
fashionistas??? e blend????
Adaure u are a pretty girl,lovely voice and u do the job well
but please try and be a little daring.....
CHANGE UR HAIRSTYLE
everytime i see u, u seem to have the same hairdo
different weaves-same style
i am sure u will still look phat if u try something else with ur hair
as for those pronouncing with igbotic yorubatic and all sorts of accents
spare our ears
PLEASE............



Heard about a woman who committed adultery on the same night her husband did
neither ever found out about the other but the marriage became better cos each found out what he:she would have lost
hmmmmmmmm
no go try am o

Manager!!!!!!!

Enjoy this.

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

Are you the manager? She asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no, the man replies. “Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. “I’m afraid I can’t,” breaths the bartender. Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” the bartender manages to say. Tell him, she whispers, there is no toilet roll or hand soap in the ladies room”.

Forbidden

sheck out
www.lovinglinks .com
www.illicitencounters.com

one of the women was quoted to say
i call my affair my indulgence
i never want to sit in a rocking chair
in a retirement home mulling over the thrills i have missed in life
it is better to regret the things you have done than the things you havent done

women get an endorphin boost during daytime
A woman's sex drive reaches its peak at 3pm(really?????)
so women are more amorous during the day
(wish we could get sex breaks instead of lunch breaks)*wink*



saw someone at obalende selling candles biscuits and butter
what is the relation???
ok maybe butter and biscuits...but candles!!!!!!

Gramps

My Gramps has been ill a while
all started about 5years ago
he had an issue with his prostate
he had an op
he recuperated, got better
2yrs later a relapse-anoda op
all these while he got older

about 2 yrs ago-his response to questions
took foreever before they came out of his mouth
he stopped recognising people
short memory span
all the signs of old age
all i could rememeber everytime i went to vist
was sitting on his lap for a kiss on my way to boarding school
treats from him when he returned from shareholders meetings
his car horn and the way we would hurridely rearrange the home
bring out our books-before he came up the stairs
even if my gramps saw u reading a comic at 2am
he was sure to leave u be
but if he finds u in front of the tv at 9pm!!!!!TROUBLE4U....
sallah with cousins,family...full house
getting my Uncle into trouble just for the fun of it.....

2 yrs ago he goes on and on about visiting home
so his kids and a few grandkids left lagos for abeokuta for a day visit
we had no tv-just the basics
food water mattresses
but we had fun

he woke up the next day and sad he wanted to return to lagos
though he showed a few of us where he wanted to spend eternity
2 weeks ago i heard he could no longer speak and wasnt eating
in fact he was living on drips
heard he had about 40 before he gave up the fight
he died 940am 16th Nov 2007 at 84yrs
i loved him and i will miss him dearly
I am just glad he has gone to rest in HIS BOSOM

Adieu Gramps
May Allah grant u paradise

Thots and Joke

What does a girl want?
What do u term as success?

Success for me is fulfillment
much as i know i dont need a man to complete me
i really wont feel utter fulfilment till i discard my Father's name
and bear another..........
moreover all i long for is to be a good wife and mother
that will be success to me and give me fulfillment

someone just sat beside me ad he is overwhelmingly choking me
odd thing is he isnt holding the stick
he must have put it out before coming into the cafe
but GADDDDDD the fumes emanating from him
reminds me when i was about 5-9 anytyme anyone smoked around me i used to puke
and if u had to refuel a car and i was in the vehicle
i would puke
in trains,buses,planes-i was known to puke the whole journey
never discovered if i would b seasick........
but considering...
if i took a cruise then,wouldnt i puke?
anyways that was when i was younger....
now...any form of travel(havent tried sea though)
i am sure not to puke

Ibi stop digressing
success.....
I think we should stop agonising about
what people term as success and understand that
Success is What God wills for our life
So today i say
Lord i will let Your will for my life take centerfold
NOTHING ELSE EVEN COMPARES

cos most times we are harrasing Him
about this issue or another and we forget the little things
i was in class today and was lost for about 5mins
a pal tapped me and asked what i was doing
i said thinking
he goes...Y
He has plans for u
y bother about the things He seemingly hasnt done
but be grateful for what he has done......
so i say
Thank u Lord
for eyes that see
ears that hear
legs that walk
hands that carry
a luscious voice
a lovely personality
a job(not there yet so i wont say good)*wink*
brothers that love me to death
a mom who would give her eye for me
a faher who is learning to be a dad
friends that care
good health
lovely skin(even wit my pimples)i LOOK GOOD
nice hair
lovely dentition(i get gap sef)
the love of family
shelter
buses(no car yet)
i say THANK U for ALL u have done BABA LOKE
I just ask...the remaining i wish for nko?
Do it for me ASAP
THANK YOU
AMEN............





Mandela was enjoying a hearty breakfast - bacon, eggs, coffee, croissants, toast, butter, jam, etc. when Bush (chewing gum) sits next to him and starts a conversation:

Bush: "You South Africans eat the whole bread?"

Mandela: "Of course."

Bush: (blowing bubbles with his gum) "We don"t. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle, rebake them into croissants and sell them to South Africa ."

Mandela: "Oh Really?"

Bush: "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"

Mandela : "Of course."

Bush: (chuckling and crackling his gum) "We don't, in the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, put all the peels, seeds and left overs into containers, recycle them into jam and sell it to South Africa ."

Mandela: "Do you have sex in America ?"

Bush: "Of course we do."

Mandela: "And what do you do with the condoms?"

Bush: "Throw them away of course."

Mandela: "We don't. We pack them into containers, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to America ."

Hmmmmmmmmmmm

The vertical smile

Scrambled eggs between the legs

sunny side up on the way to the butt

the pink taco

lower whiskers

all of the above where culled from a movie
and they all describe the vagina...hmmmmmmm
i found it hilarious.....


A man always looks more formal when he is erect.
True?


Anyone crave lovely inner garments?lingerie?
check out Etc-Ikoyi mall shop 9 lagos
opposite federal sec ikoyi
nice stuff
size a-g
for the men-cufflinks,ties,boxers,socks
candy g-strings
edible cock rings
*wink*

ASS

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
> The pastor was so
> pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
> race again, and it
> won ................again.
>
> The local paper read: "PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT"
>
> The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity
> that he ordered the pastor not to enter
the donkey in another race.
>
> The next day, the local paper headline read:
> "BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS".
>
> This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the
> pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a
> nun in a nearby convent.
>
> The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the
> following headline the
> next day: "NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN"
>
> The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she
> would have to get rid
> of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
>
> The next day the paper read:
"NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10"
>
> This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the
> nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to
the plains where it could run wild.
>
> The next day the headlines read:
"NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE"
>
> The bishop was buried the next day.
>
> The moral of the story is....being concerned about
> public opinion can
> bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten
> your life. So be yourself
> and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone
> else's ass and you'll be a
> lot happier and live longer!
>
>

More Jokes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bible Lesson
> A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph
> and Mary took Jesus
> with them to Jerusalem.
> A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby
> sitter."
>


> The Ten Commandments
> A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten
> Commandments with her five
> and six year olds. After explaining the commandment
> to "honor thy father
> and thy mother," she asked,"Is there a commandment
> that teaches us how to
> treat our brothers and sisters?"
> Without missing a beat one little boy answered,
> "Thou shall not kill."
Funeral Instructions
> An elderly woman died last month. Having never
> married, she requested no
> male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions
> for her memorial
> service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while
> I was alive, I don't
> want them to take me out when I'm dead."
>
> Church Announcement
> There is the story of a preacher who got up one
> Sunday and announced to
> his congregation: "I have good news and bad news.
> The good news is, we
> have enough money to pay for our new building
> program. The bad news is,
> it's still out there in your pockets."

The Sermon
> A little girl became restless as the preacher's
> sermon dragged on and on.
> Finally, she leaned over to her mother and
> whispered, "Mommy, if we give
> him the money now, will he let us go?"
>
> The Boasting Boys
> Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about
> their fathers. The first
> boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece
> of paper, he calls it a
> poem, they give him $50."
> The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad
> scribbles a few words on a
> piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him
> $100."
> The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad
> scribbles a few words on
> a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes
> eight people to
> collect all the money!"