Monday, March 3, 2008

Phallus

My 3 yr old cousin told her friend who annoyed her
"ori e da bi oko"(your head looks like a ....
yea.....dick willy sausage phallus snake penis
so i asked her what oko is.......
she says "kini ti awon malla ma fin to"
that thing mallams use to pee
so u see she knows what she talking about


which brings me to the first tyme I saw a phallus
i was 8
we were in Kano visiting my Aunt and her family
throughly enjoyed the plane ride
no bus ride this tyme
mum,meself and my brother
i was sooo looking forward to the swings in their estate
my Uncle worked for CBN then
my Aunt was/is a teacher,then she had a lot of Indian students
she had a pile of Indian magazines from her students and fellow indian teachers

there was an indian movie on tv everyday then
it just fuelled my love for Amitabh Bachan

moving on.....this fateful day i woke up
needed to pee........
my cousins i shared a room with, where taking forever in the loo and tub
i went to the boys room -samething

went to my mums room-she was doing number two
i really needed to go
so i went into my aunts room
she was also doing number two
why was everyone against me*&*%#%^@$&

i decided to do it in the bathroom
why i did not go whine to my mum or my cousins or the boys
i have no idea...........
but i wasnt peeing in my panties
at the door to my aunts tub i listened for water splashing
no sound...........so no one there
or so i thot

i push open the door already lifting my nightie
behold....this THING
i had no name for it
and my uncle's shocked face
i stood for about 10 secs staring at the thing
i realised my uncles is NAKED
so i ran out
yea the urge to pee left me

mins later mum hears about the escapade and goes
Ibi did u see anything when u opened the door?
i said no but i am sorry i didnt know Uncle was there
i know its wrong to pee in the tub but i really needed to go
all i wanted to do was a quick one and i will rinse the tub

she goes-why didnt u come to me?
why didnt u go check if any of the other loos was no longer occupied?
i already told her sorry abi?
but i had no intention of soiling meself
mum says no problem as long as u saw nuthing
i reaffirmed i saw nuthing


she grills me for another 5 mins and i keep saying i saw nothnig
she lets me go....i thot i got the best of "inspector gadget" today
she wont hear me say i saw sumthing
wetin i see sef?



2hrs later (i don forget o)
she calls me to the room whilst the others were engrossed wit a movie on tv
my mum knows if u need me to spill blood get me away from a movie i am engrossed in
and starts to grill me again
what did u see
what type of woman is this$£%^&**^$£
i said i no see anthing abi na by force?
she then threatens to beat the living daylights outta me
belive my mum when she says that
she will at least try......

so i start to cry and i said
ok i saw something............
what is it?
i dont know
i didnt see it well
i have never seen it before but i saw something sha

she then beats me o
imagine
a scared for life little 8 year old
she beats me
my offence?i lied to her
NEVER EVER LIE TO ME
haven't i always drummed that into your head?
when my mum beats u-do ur best not to scream

cos if anyone comes to say
pls mama ibi stop
she will only increase the intensity
so i had to make sure folks in the living room wouldn't hear me

only then does she let me be after telling me i was never to enter my aunts room not even bathroom AGAIN unless SHE(my mum) not room owner calls me in

na wa o
i no even know the name of the thing i see
it wasnt until primary 6 (2yrs later)and the reproductive system that i caught a glimpse of it in the biology book
but we were not taught about *it*
just ours

my next encounter with a phallus was when i watched my first porn at 13

16 comments:

Freaksho said...

ah yes, the phallus.
funny how people see it and still wonder if God has a sense of humor.

ibiluv said...

@freaksho.....yea...bet he does

Nine said...

Wait,are you talking about ALL phalluses?Or just an adult one?Because I was under the impression that all Nigerian kids at least knew what one looked like from sharing the bathroom with male siblings.At least up to the age of four or so.

@freaksho
Sense of humour?God?Take one look at the duckbilled platypus then tell me again what you think about His sense of humor.

ibiluv said...

@nine.....ADULT phalluses.........
just cos i have a brother dont mean i was prepared for what i saw,
my dad never gave a sneak preview........

u cant compare a phallus at 4-my brother's age then, to that of a 36 yr old man-thats how old my uncle was then

Freaksho said...

@nine
why does everyone pick on the platypus? thats a hrad working guy right there.goes to work, sorts his work, comes back and all he wants are his quiet lil fish sandwiches. yet everyone keeps picking on him. so unfair.
hey, i reckon since someone has done a post on phalli, someone else oughtta do a post on...

Rayo said...

LMAO!!!!!!

The same happened to me...except it was MY DAD!!!!!

I almost scratched my eyes out.

ibiluv said...

@freaksho......someone just might.........how about U?

@rayo............me and my Papa are cool like that(i think)...maybe mum wouldn't have given me such a hard tyme if it was Papa............

misspumping said...

can you imagine the first time i saw a phallus i was in university talk about a late bloomer

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

hahahaha. First off, your niece is hilarious! Secondly, your mom is no joke. I love it! Thirdly, why do so many Nigerians watch 'blue' films so early? lol!

NIGERIAN CURIOSITY
IT WAS SO MUCH EASIER WHEN I ONLY HAD ONE...

Risquediva said...

hey hey hey showing some love...would be back soon!

Honeywell said...

lol!

ibiluv said...

@misspumping......happens to the best of us

@solomonsydelle......parents,older ones get *it* then forbid us to watch it.it always more fun to do waht u are asked not to do

@risquediva.......thanks dearie

@honeywell..wasnt funny when it happened but now i can laff my ass off

fluffycutething said...

ROFL... chai what trauma u must've experienced....

That your mama sef, probably she couldn't imagine her baby daughter's eyes being disvirgined LOL

ibiluv said...

@fluffycutething...mind ma mama not......as if when it eventually happened-she could have stopped it

Jaguda said...

this is too funny

ibiluv said...

@jaguda......wasnt funny then.......now i can laugh at it.........*wink*....but i'd rather have it in me.......